It’s been a while since I replied to one of the Russian Bride emails that appear in my email box. But today I had an even better offer come in that was too tempting to resist. What could be more tempting than hot Russian beauties offering me their ‘pictures’ in poor English, I hear you ask?
Well…you need to read the following exciting news from Ibrahim in Iraq, that’s what!
“Hello Sir,
We are rebuilding Iraq after years of conflicts and we are inviting you to take up contracts. We are determined to purchase your products in large quantities, for use in all over our 18 governorates
(provinces) as the task of re-building Iraq covers every single sector and facet of our society. We’ll submit your products information to the Iraqi Project and Contracting Office. They will examine the propriety and necessity of your product and approve for bulk supply contracting relationship.
I am currently on the board of the Iraqi Project and Contracting Office, With my connections in the corridors of power, we are quite confident of securing approval. Also of note is the issue of different financial regulations between my country Iraq and your country.
Assuch you will be paid 100% through the Iraqi ministry of Finance before you commence supplies.
When you’ve received payment, we would be expecting a monthly supply; as the sum budgeted for product may be quite enormous as to outstrip your capacity and capability to supply.
A consideration also is that your quotation must be CIF Port of Umm Qasr. Please send response so that I will reveal more procedural information to you upon your re-confirmation.
Thank you.
Ibrahim Almasi
Baghdad, Iraq.”
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Of course, this was such a fantastic opportunity for a little business such as my own, I simply had to write back straight away to Ibrahim to let him know my excitement…..
Dear Ibrahim,
Thank you very much for your request for a bulk order of my products to help with the rebuilding of Iraq. As I feel the former Government of my country is at least partially responsible for the difficulties and devastation in your country, this is something I would be very interested in helping you with. It is very good to hear that my products will be of use in the process of rebuilding your beautiful country and I am very honoured to hear that they are seen as such a necessity to the repair and growth of all 18 provinces that the Iraqi Project and Contracting Office would like to buy them in bulk. It is humbling that someone on the board of the Iraqi Project and Contracting Office with your connections in the corridors of power will be able to secure a large order of my nipple casting kits via the Ministry of Finance.
Once again, I must say I am not only stunned and delighted to hear that my ‘Magnips’, nipple casting kits will be part of the recovery of such an important part of the Middle East, but I am also very impressed that the new Iraqi Government has clearly turned its back on the older, more conservative ways that might have previously only seen the ability to make jaunty fridge magnets in the shape of one’s erect nipples as some kind of risqué novelty rather than something so important to the infrastructure and economic stabilisation of an empire seeking to re-define itself, which of course they clearly are.
Since you anticipate needing a monthly supply of magnetic nipple casting kits, and you have already budgeted an enormous sum for the future stockpiling of my products, please could you let me know what quantities you require? Are we talking nipple casting for everyone in Iraq? Or just the men? Would one nipple’s worth of product per person suffice or would each person require a matching pair of magnetic nipple casts for their fridge? I used to supply kits designed to make three nipple casts, so that there was the possibility of a rehearsal nipple before making a matching pair of quality and brilliance. Would this be of interest to your Government? Or are three nipples considered excessive in your region?
Please send me more information regarding your aspirations for the reproduction of nipples everywhere in the 18 governorates of Iraq.
Yours sincerely,
Professor M.U. Cous-Membrane
Company Secretary and Server of Biscuits, Rockabelly Lifecasts
For some reason he never wrote back. I still don’t know how they are managing without my help.
