Andre and I are going to hell 10 times over. We decided to go Aylesford Farmers Market which was at the Priory. We were very late getting there (sin number one) because we were late getting up (sin number two) which may have been something to do with out-of-wedlock fornication (sin number three) and general faffing about (sin number four).
We had decided to multitask by taking the dog for a walk while we were there and getting lunch at the market. But because we were late, and it had started to snow, we arrived just as they were shutting down. We parked up in a hurry and did a cursory quick walk around the market, sneering at the vegetables (sin number 5) and rejecting almost all of the wares on offer as well below par (sin number 6).
Having decided it was a bit of a sinking ship, we fled the scene at high speed to get out of the cold, returning to our car. As we did so, we noticed that there were signs everywhere saying no dogs allowed. We grinned at Teddy on her leash and walked faster with our not-allowed-dog in tow (sin number 7). I wondered if dogs were banned because they make the priory nuns or monks covet cute fluffy things too much, or because they have a tendency to jump up when they meet you and stick their noses in your crotch (dogs, not nuns).
Anyway…we made it back to the car park and I laughed out loud with embarrassment when I saw André had accidentally committed the ultimate sin of parking in the disabled bay (sin number 8). To be fair, the car park was almost empty, there were dozens of spaces all around, and the signage was so worn that we genuinely hadn’t seen it when we drove in with the snow flurrying around. As I told him that pissing off nuns and stealing disabled spots were definitely sending us to hell, I also noticed that we were actually parked straddling TWO BAYS (sin number 9). Absolute ‘arsehole parking’ by anybody’s standards.
I hasten to add, we would never normally do this. I have no idea how we managed it. When I say we, I mean André, but I’m being nice, by agreeing to go with him to hell and keep him company. So while we were laughing at our flying visit to the market, after rejecting the wares of the cold, miserable looking farmers, arsehole-parking across two disabled bays, we saw the ‘honesty box’ demanding a minimum £2 donation for using the car park. Figuring we only spent a total of 4 minutes there and were already damned nine times over anyway we decided to round it up to ten and DROVE AWAY WITHOUT PAYING!!!!!
#sorrynotsorry #goingtohellinahandcart #helliswarmerthanEnglandrightnow #whothehelldoesntlikedogs #Hesabitofawrongenmyfella #naughtySunday
