Going Viral – The Blogalypse 3 – The New World Order

Things got a tiny bit hairy last night with a rather breathless coughing fit before I soothed myself down to sleep. I woke in the morning relieved to be feeling much better and then overjoyed to hear the news we’ve all been SO desperate to hear the last few days. Yes…Tom Hanks is OK.

I know we all sighed with collective relief to hear that news. Darling Tom, who I choose to believe is exactly like a cross between all the lovely characters he’s ever played on the big screen (especially Mr Rogers and Captain Jim Lovell of ‘Apollo 13’), has been released from hospital along with his wife, a nice actress who I’ve seen in films but don’t care nearly so much about, other than that it would have upset Tom if she’d died (sorry Rita).

It’s not just that Tom is the darling of Hollywood, who started as our cute, slightly awkward-with-girls boy next door and graduated through the years to wise old comforting bumbler that’s so beloved of everyone with taste and morals. No, it’s much much more than that. Tom was to take a very important central role in the New World Order after the current system of leadership has crumbled in the chaos that ensues from the virus. So I was pretty panicked I’d have to rearrange the Cabinet to make up for his absence.

I know you’ve all been worrying who was going to take charge of this shit show and sort it all out after the carnage so I’ve been working the problem and have a large percentage of it all figured out already.

OK so perhaps not a LARGE percentage quite yet. I’ve been far too busy organising my secret stash of toilet rolls into daring pyramidial sculptures to work out the exact details of the new political system yet and who will take each specific role in the New World Government, but I’ve narrowed down a short list of people who will be taking control of things once Trump, Boris, et al have been permanently put on the naughty step. I think you’ll like it. I don’t particularly care if you don’t. You simply need to accept that I’m drafting in the real grownups to do the grownup jobs so that you can all get back to enjoying life as soon as possible.

The New World Government Shortlist:-

Tom Hanks
Julie Andrews (of course)
David Attenborough (may he never ever die)
Oprah Winfrey
Stephen Fry
Floella Benjamin (she hasn’t aged a day since 1977 and that alone is good reason to keep her close and observe her)
Judy Dench (firm but fair)
Malala Yousafzai
Brian Blessed
Ina the yoga instructor from Amchara health retreat in Gozo (bit of a wildcard perhaps but go with it)
Greta Thunberg
Morgan Freeman (who would be in charge of giving ALL press conferences)
Jameela Jamil
The actor who plays Gandalf whose name fell out my brain tonight and I can’t be arsed to google
Miriam Margolyes (who can be Queen on my days off)
Then it’s a tossup between Niel DeGrasse Tyson or Brian Cox. Both marvellous clever sciencey people, although on occasion Brian Cox can be so bloody peppy I can switch between adoring his passion to wanting to punch him in the face (just a little bit) in a very short amount of time.
If he were still alive then Jim Henson would definitely have been there, although the rule would have been that he would have had to take part in all discussions via the character of Kermit the Frog. Sadly Jim is no more, so we would just have Kermit sat in a seat at the table to remind us about what’s really important if things ever get heated (you just know if you left Stephen and Judy in a room together alone they would be kicking off about grammar or how to pour tea the right way or something).

What you probably don’t realise is that in the New World Order I am in fact Queen of All and I would have ultimate say in everything after having consulted my wise Government officials for advice. I know you are probably thinking that a dictatorship probably isn’t a splendidly good idea, but I seriously couldn’t muck it up any more than previous rulers have already done. Plus I have this awesome cabinet lined up to work out the smart stuff. Plus I’m nice.

And while my clever cabinet were working out the answers to big world issues like disease, climate, pollution, war, food shortages and so forth, I would be able to sort out loads of little niggling problems that have bugged me for ages.

I’m going to start with a very simple rule that will help the world, post crisis, to regain a sense of dignity and hope…

No FUCKING JEGGINGS. There is no excuse for jeggings. Or even for the word ‘jeggings’ come to think of it. Complete ban.

In fact, while we’re at it, let’s please ban skinny jeans on men. Men’s legs were not designed for skinny jeans. They make you look like you’re auditioning for a local pantomime as part of Robin Hood’s merry men. I’m sorry to be a fashion Nazi, but there have to be some limits. And men of Britain in particular you have reached them and breached them one time too many. I’m doing you a favour by imposing this ban so you can find your way back to the light. Come to mama.

And jeans that men wear halfway down their arses showing off their boxer shorts. Seriously?! Still??? We women are so often told that by wearing certain clothing we are ‘asking for it’. Have you ANY idea of the self-control it takes when I see you wearing your loose, unbelted jeans halfway down your backside NOT to just grab them and pull them the rest of the way down to your ankles and then push you hard so you trip over your denim cankles? If I can resist that, then you men…you can all resist groping women in tight mini skirts.

There will also be an out and out ban on people saying the word ‘Huzzah!’ instead of ‘Hooray!’ or at least meet me half way with ‘Hoorah’ if you really want to sound middle class and fancy. You are not a member of the King’s Royal Guard circa 1643, celebrating the win of a minor field battle whilst throwing your velvet hat into the air and putting it back on your fine curly wig before prancing off in your suede breeches to the nearest tavern for some debauched wenching, so there is no excuse for saying ‘Huzzah’. None. Stop it. Words fall out of usage and that one fell out of usage before your great great great great great great grandpa had even grown pubes so just let it die, people.

Along that vein, I’d also like you to note that in business talk, using the phrase ‘touching base’ will now result in a punch in the face plus a 15% increase in your income taxes. So just don’t.

For my own personal comfort, I’m also bringing in a rule at my local gym swimming pool that says when there are more people doing lane swimming in the pool than there are lanes, then breast stroke is absolutely banned. I do not need your elbows and kipper feet flapping at me like a demented chicken when there is such limited space. Streamline yourselves. Fashion yourself into a torpedo shape or go swim in the sea and stab some mackerel with those gnarly toenails of yours.

But it’s not all bad. When I am Queen, every Friday will be ‘Extra Kindness’ day. We will all eat cake together and basically nobody will be allowed to go home or clock off work until they’ve gone out of their way to do something kind for a stranger for no benefit to themselves. If you don’t, you will get a punch in the face. But not until Saturday, because nobody wants to be punching anybody in the face on a Kindness Friday. If they do, they would get two punches in the face on Punch in the Face Saturday.

Ironing would be completely banned other than for weddings, funerals, job interviews and presentations. It really is a waste of your life. Do something fun with the time instead. You’ll thank me for it one day.

The following people would be put in a pit and kept separately from the rest of society for our own protection:-

Jeremy Kyle, Katie Hopkins, Piers Morgan, Spencer Matthews from ‘Made in Chelsea’, almost the entire Conservative Party, anyone who has ever been a contestant on ‘Naked Attraction’, the presenter of ‘Naked Attraction’, Donald Trump, the fake Italian opera man from the Go Compare adverts, people who steal from the elderly and of course, anyone who is cruel to animals and lastly any and all child molesters. There will be an extra special section of the pit for Boris Johnson where we could throw dung at him and boo loudly in a variety of common accents that would irk him. That would probably do for starters, but I welcome your own suggestions.

Seriously, my society will rock and I think in these really dark and frightening times I’ve given us all something to really look forward to. It might take you a while to adapt to it, but the free daily hypnosis sessions and yoga classes would help you get into the swing of it within a few weeks and then you’d be so happy and chilled out you would never want to go back.

Right, so who is up for overthrowing the current political system while they are nice and vulnerable and distracted to help me get things started? First ones to volunteer get a free puppy and a box of Jaffa Cakes. Boris will NOT be expecting it at all when I send in David Attenborough with the big guns.

Until next time, beloved humans, over and out and see you on the other side!

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